Setting: Little Johnny goes to the Oracle seeking answers to his questions, and learns the Truth about Republicans. THIRD IN A SERIES.
The Oracle speaks the Truth about all things Republican.
Johnny: Why are Republicans having a Convention?
Oracle: It’s a great American tradition, Johnny! Delegates get together from all the states and territories for patriotic speeches and a celebration of everything great about America.
Johnny: Yes, it’s quite a show, but where did all those brown people come from? I thought this was the party of Rich White Men, but there were lots of brown faces, mostly smiling and waving flags.
Oracle: Those people flew in from Guam, the Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, American Samoa and other American territories. They were seated up front by the stage, so TV viewers could see how diverse our Grand Old Party is.
Johnny: But my teacher said those people can’t vote for the President. Is that right?
Oracle: Technically, yes, Johnny, but they help our Party look like we are not all lily white.
Johnny: But you said Republicans are the party of Rich White Men.
Oracle: That’s true, Johnny, but remember when I said we don’t have enough Rich White Men, so we have to get other people to vote for us? We even want brown people to vote for us, as long as they don’t try to run things. That’s our job.
Johnny: So that’s why we flew in all those brown people for the convention? They’re just for show, to try to get brown people to vote for our Rich White Men? Wouldn’t they need to be pretty stupid to do that?
Oracle: Johnny, this is America, where even stupid people get to vote – unless they plan to vote against us, then we will stop them. And the proper term for them is “low information voters.”
Johnny: Okay…my friend Billy says Republicans are obsessed with phallic symbols. What does that mean?
Oracle: Really, Johnny? I don’t know why he would say that, but the term refers to the male penis.
Johnny: Well, that makes sense! Billy says the Speaker’s name is Boner, and the RNC chairman is named Rancid Penis! Is he making fun of us?
Oracle: (Choking) I think he is, Johnny, (cough!) but he got their names wrong. The Speaker’s name is pronounced “BAY-ner,” not Boner. And the RNC Chairman is named Reince Priebus. I have heard it pronounced many ways, not sure what he prefers, but it’s definitely not pronounced “Rancid Penis!” If I wasn’t an Oracle, (cough!) I might find that slightly humorous. But the GOP is not obsessed with phallic symbols.
Johnny: Umm…Okay. If you say so. So what about that Todd Akin guy talking about “legitimate rape?” Is that guy a complete barking Bozo, or what?
Oracle: Exactly, Johnny. Even Rancid Penis thinks so. Dammit, now you got me doing it!